Identity - how, when and why to change it.

Read time: 6 minutes

Hey there, welcome back.

Last week, we explored the idea of having something to look forward to. For me - that was the birth of my 2nd daughter.

​You can read that (and all past issues, here).

Today, I'm pleased to share how she arrived safely in the world. Meet Kaia Amber, born 26th July, weight 9lbs (chunky AF - "thank God this was a C Section" said the midwife 😹

Now, before you hit unsubscribe and think FML I'm not going to fulfil my dreams of success by reading about you becoming a dad again Dan, don't worry - this moment is merely the trigger for today's newsletter...

I wanted to explore identity because labels can help push us forward or hold us back - and in our pursuit of success and what we strive for, it's great to think about what these various identities offer us, if we choose to embrace or reject them.

There is no stronger identity transition on earth than going from you to the parent version of you. From Dan to Dad may just be a letter - but in reality, it's been the biggest identity shift I've ever experienced - and just like 'mum' and indeed any label, it can help or hinder us from reaching our Heights - so let's explore the identity trap.

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The Identity Trap

We all wear labels.

Founder. Husband. Breadwinner. Underdog. Creative. Burnout survivor. High performer.​
Each one starts as useful. Anchoring. Even empowering.

But here’s the trap:
​When the label becomes the limit.

The moment it goes from this is who I am​
to this is all I am-you’re stuck.

I saw this happen to me after becoming a dad.

I thought I’d feel more grounded. More whole. More “complete.”
And I did… for about a week.

Then came the thoughts:
“Good dads don’t take risks.”
“Good dads don’t work long hours.”
“Good dads shouldn’t prioritise ambition right now.”

Suddenly, every bold instinct got filtered through this unspoken script of what Dad Dan was allowed to want.

The same thing happens to founders:

You start as a creative problem solver…
Then suddenly you’re the CEO who can’t admit doubt.
Or the high-performer who can’t slow down.
Or the “resilient one” who can’t ask for help.

The identity that once lifted you becomes the weight that holds you.

So how do you avoid the trap?

Here’s what I’ve learned (the hard way):

1. Treat identity as a verb, not a noun.​
You’re not a founder. You’re someone founding.
Not a dad. Someone fathering.
It keeps the story open, alive, and changeable.

2. Audit your labels regularly.​
Ask: Which of these identities did I choose?​
And which ones did I inherit, absorb, or get boxed into?

3. Don’t build your entire self around a single role.​
That’s a fragile game. Life will change.
You’ll sell the business. Your kids will grow up. You’ll leave the job.
If your worth is tied to one label, that exit will feel like death.

4. Let new identities emerge.​
The best part of life is when you surprise yourself.
Don’t shut down opportunities just because “it doesn’t fit who I am.”

So yeah, I’m “Dad Dan” now.
But I’m also still a founder, coach, writer, student, and dreamer.

And I want to be someone who holds all of that… lightly.
So I can keep evolving.

Because success doesn’t come from picking the right identity.
It comes from giving yourself permission to outgrow everyone you’ve ever held.

To new identities and new heights,
Dan

P.S. If you’ve felt held back by a label or overwhelmed by a new one-I’d love to hear how you’re navigating it.

SOS (Science of Success) Curated:

LinkedIn of the week: Not everyone will get you.​

Podcast of the week: These Toxins Are Silently Ruining Your Health​

My Tweet of the week: I thought I was a procrastinator​

​

Research Worth Reading:

A 2019 paper titled When Performance Gets Personal (published in Organisation Studies) dives deep into the concept of performance-based identity, where who we are becomes tightly coupled with what we achieve.

In the study, researchers found that when people tie their self-worth to roles like “founder,” “top performer,” or even “perfect parent,” it creates an ongoing internal pressure to constantly meet or exceed those expectations.

This isn’t just exhausting. It’s destabilising. When circumstances change-like stepping away from a company, taking a career break, or entering a new life chapter, identities begin to crack, often leaving people anxious, lost, or burnt out.

​Link to study:​

Key Takeaway:

Performance-based identities can be motivating-until they aren’t. When your value depends on achievement alone, growth can feel like survival.

Instead, build flexible identity scaffolds-ways of seeing yourself that evolve as you do. “Founder” can also mean “mentor,” “creator,” or “student.” You don’t have to stay stuck in the version of you that got results last year.

Try This:

Ask yourself:

Need help mapping it out?

I’ve created a simple, 3-step identity reflection worksheet in the Science of Success Vault. Just reply “identity” and I’ll send it over.

1-1 Coaching with Dan

In my goal to help more entrepreneurs/people who are looking to level up their careers, I've just started taking 1-1 consulting calls (only 1 a week)

Why book a call? Some of my expertise/success:

I've built 5 startups. 1 win, 1 fail, and 3 still going.

E-Commerce: Heights - with revenue over $25M a year.

Community: Foundrs, one of the UK's top founder communities

Podcasting: Leaders Media - bootstrapped media company that makes the UK's top business podcasts, Secret Leaders, with over 50M downloads.

Health/Mental Health: Managed to overcome burnout, insomnia, depression & anxiety in pursuit of success as I talk about in my interview with Steven Bartlett on Diary of a CEO​

Angel Investing: I've invested in over 90 startups

Coached & Mentored: Certified coach & done lots of mentoring

Personal Brand: Have grown to 178k on LinkedIn and X (Twitter) in the past 12 months

So if you're interested in booking a session with me to talk all things business or building a personal brand, book for 30-minutes or 45-minutes. (limited spots).

Science of Success Vault

I'm building a vault of valuable tools, resources, and one sheets that I hope help you succeed.

These will be stored in the ever-growing 'Science of Success' vault — you can always access that here

Want to take your success (even more) seriously? 👇​
🧠 Fuel your brain and feed your gut, try Heights here (use code 'SOSDMS' for 15% off your first month of any subscription

🎧 Check out my podcast Secret Leaders here​

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